¤ . · : * °The Space Between, the tears we cry° * : · . ¤

Why is it that women in my family think we need a man to make us happy?i guess that is just the way it goes eh.i wish I could be in love again.I miss it so much.Even the little things such as hand holding.I want that again.Mabe someday i will have it again who knows.We also go for asshole men.They treat us like shit and think we should do everything for them.i honestly just don't think there are any god men around here.None that I know of anyway.

So off the sad shit.We are having a birthday party this weekend,hippie/hawiaan.Damn we are gonna have a blast.I think im gonna be a phone whore that night and call as many people as I can,I always seem to end up doing that haha.Anyway im gonna go play some games then hit the sack <3

Lately has been so-so.I've not been as spunky as I usually am.I want to move from this place, I really dislike it here..i found out some interesting stuff about my landlord though.His brother was killed my the mafia, so yea thats pretty messed up.Nicholas's birthday went good.he loved his cake.he made a heck of a mess!I'm glad he had fun though.Mom came down lastnight.We had an okay time i guess.I called asshole to see what his deal was and he freaked on me.And hung up on me twice.As of now I'm done dealing with him.he means nothing to me.So anyway hopefully travis gets a job far from here, i am so sick of huntingdon.there is nothing to do here at all.

I have a doctors appt on the 2nd.Yippy skippy :( It is with the doctor that almost let me die.So I dont know how I feel about it.:/:/  anyway Im getting tired and Im gonna listen to some music and relax..heres lyrics to the song Im listening to right now.

Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long long time
I've got a good life now I've moved on
So when you cross my mind

I try not to think about
What might have been
'Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been

We could sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes they might be the best days
We will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past

So try not to think about
What might have been
'Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been

That same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night
I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say goodbye
And turn and walk away

And try not to think about
What might have been
'Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been

No we'll never know
What might have been

So lately has been okay I suppose...I had a long talk with you know who the other day.i hate having any kind of feelings whatsoever for him,because I know how much of an asshole he is :///

I talked to Amber,chelsea,misty,johnny,mom and dad today.its so nice to have a family that is close.I talk to them atleast once a week.Me and chelsea have a date tommorrow night lollollol.We are having chicken yummm!And i am getting a bottle of 99 bananas tommorrow night =)))

Nicholas turns 2 on sunday we are having icecream and cake here at 4 oclock on sunday.i cant believe he is 2 already.my kids are growing up so damn fast!

anywho i think im gonna head to bed because Im tired =P

Well I figured I'd update since I rarely do anymore.Things are going good.I still hate this place with a burning passion though.Hopefully we will be out of here sooner rather than later.The kids are doing great.Nicholas is going to be 2 in two weeks.I'm excited. We are gonna have a birthday party for him probably at moms house.He will just dig into the cake haha!I can't believe it has been 2 years since that whole ordeal.Time sure does fly.Speaking of that,it has almost been 6 months since the fire.I can't believe it has ben half a year already.And I feel the same now as I did the day it happened.I guess time doesn't heal all wounds.

Anyway I've been thinking about when we buy a house how I want it.I definately want to live in the middle of nowhere with a nice yard.The ideal place for me would be back a dirt road in a log cabin with horse stables and a few horses.that would be so great.i can'y wait to house shop.Speaking of shopping we went to sams club this past weekend.We had a good time.Bought some things we needed for around the house.We ate at a mexican restaraunt called el compasinos it was the best mexican food i ever had.We tried fried icecream oh my it was so good.I wish i knew how to make it :)))

My mom got out of the hospital on friday.She is doing good.I'm happy for her if she is happy.i'm not going to ask her to go out with me anymore because I don't want to be the reason she starts drinking again.i love her I want the best for her.And if she thinks she would be better off never drinking then thats okay with me.I went out saturday night with Eric and jeannie.After the bar closed at 2:15 Me,eric,jeannies, and greg walked over to sheetz.I think Greg was pretty polluted lol..It was fun..

This week is going pretty slow, and rather uneventful.The kids are being good!:-o!I'm so glad I have them during the day because I dont know what I'd do without em!They mean so much to me:)))This coming weekend i will probably go out again on saturda.because travis's parents normally have the boys on the weekend.Which is a nice break.i miss them though.But feel good about the way she takes care of them..

anyway I think i', gonna get off this computer and relax a little.i've been cleaning all day in the heat :/

:)))))))))))))))

So things are going okay with me.i've been doing alot of thinking.I really need to move out of this place.I hate it here.The neighbors are loud, the windows are dangerous for my children, there is no yard, to many steps,to damn hot.And a few other reasons.I've also decided that now is the time to get started on going to school.I wanted to go to medical school and be a perinatologist but i decided to put that on hold and just go for L&D nursing instead.And when we move maybe nicu nursing.I cant wait to move out of this town it is so boring here =P

So plans for the weekend, I really don't have any yet.i'm sick of doing the same old thing.I dont want to go to the bar this weekend.Maybe I'll go out to the lake and take some pics.it is so beautiful out there.I love being in nature.When we buy a house it is going to be in the middle of nowhere so we don't have to worry about town bullshit.And dont have to worry about the kids getting into to much trouble.

I think about their futures alot, and always wonder if i am doing a good enough job raising them.I feel like I'm doing okay, I might be a little to strict.But I don;t want them to follow in my path when they get older.And i hope they stay in school and go to college.But more than that I hope they do what make them happy.And not live how someone else wants them to.

anyway I think im gonna watch some movies for a bit then go to bed.Early to bed early to rise is the best policy;).goodnight =P

So today went pretty decent.Did more cleaning :-x  Tommorrow I want to go out to the bar.I need to get tha hell outta here for a while lolz.I need to relaxxxxxxx.Damn I am sooo bored tonight.i might make it an early night.I am kind of tired:))))( I )
Jul. 7th, 2005 @ 09:24 pm

I figured I'd post the fire pics.It is still hard to look at though.I'm going to post Shannons obit and a pic of her first.

Shannon M. RUBY, 25, of Huntingdon, formerly of Lewistown, died Sunday,
Feb. 6, 2005. Born Dec. 6, 1979, in Cleveland, Ohio, she was the
daughter of Ronald R. Ruby Jr. of Huntingdon and Juanita Beatty of
Jacksonville, Fla. Her fiance, Eric Bailey also survives. In addition to
her parents and fiance, she is survived by: siblings, Christopher Ruby
of Cleveland, Desire Gomez of Jacksonville, Jessica and Jerrica Begley
of Huntingdon and cousin Dustin S. Kauffman of Lewistown, whom she
thought of as her brother; grandparents Dennis and Janie Felton of Jacks
Creek, Ron Ruby Sr. of Mapleton, and Mary and Sam Kauffman Jr., who
raised her; aunts, Glenda Kauffman, Carolyn Corbin, Jeannie McCardle and
Robin Lantz; godchildren, Melissa and Michael Huntsman; and nine
cousins. She was preceded in death by brother Brandon Ruby. She attended
Lewistown Area High School and was a member of Mill Creek Fire Hall. She
had a big heart and loved her family. Her funeral service will be at 1
p.m. Thursday, at Trinity Assembly of God Church, 2411 Cassady Ave.,
Huntingdon, with Pastor Gregory S. Lloyd officiating. Interment will be
in Bowmans Chapel Cemetery.

RIP girl I miss you more and more everyday :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((

Here are the fire pics:///

They have since tore what remained of the house down.now there is a cross there with a pic uf me and chelsea and letters to her from family.And if you didn't know, i lived in the bottom part she lived in the top part.The fire happened about 5:00 am on february 6th.this is always going to be with me.Because of the fact that I tried to save her and couldn't.I could hear her screams.And time isnt helping me://// I wish i could have gotten to her:((( I miss her so much.I hope she knows i loved her ://

I've been having so many dreams about Shannon lately.I miss that girl so much.It doesn't get easier with time.=( I wish i could turn back time,and change all the times we fought.I am also greiving travis's pappy.He was such a great man.It's hard to lose people.I hate it.Knowing I will never get to see them or talk to them again.And I hate living in this place.I want to move.Move on i guess.To a new place.I hate this town.It sucks so bad :/My uncle still isn't doing very good.I wouldn't be doing good if my child died either.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO..the good things in my life.My children, are doing great.Logan misses school lol.Christopher and nicholas are so ornery(SP?) It is so great having them.I love them more than anything.I just don't know where I'd be without them :)))) They are the one reason i am happy about waking up every morning.the one reason why i go on everyday :D I miss them when they go to their grandmas house on the weekends.But I get comfort in knowing how good she is with them.And my mom.She loves having logan up.He keeps her smiling.

In other news, LOL...Ababy squirrel followed Travis around at work the other day.So he brought it home.It's doing great.The boys love it.I must say it is a sweet little animal.I really like it :)))))Illpost pics when i get good ones..

We watched the fire works for the 4th.It was nice.The boys loved it.The grand finale rocked this year!!!!

Well..it's getting late so I think i will head to dreamland oh check out my dream journal.

xo0dreams0ox

goodnight.Leave a comment if ya want :D:D:D:D

I am so tired of being sad, but I am also tired of being pent up in this damn apartment.I hate it here.It is to damn hot, it is right in the middle of town.GRRRRRRRRRRR I want to be in the country.I am still trying so damn hard to move on after the fire but I don't even know why I keep trying, because it isn't working.Then there are some assholes online (I won't mention names) that are like well I think you are lying about the fire..hello why the fucking hell would I lie about something like that????????????It pisses me off so bad.i know I shouldn't get pissed off at a bunch of people who don't know me, but why would they even go there?ASSHOLES..Fuck this person though, he means nothing to me at all.And NEVER really has.I care about what the people I know in real life think and a select few others.And if ya think I'm such a big liar then don't talk to me??

Anyway off that shit.I went out Saturday night and it pretty much sucked..So I guess I'm going to go out again on Friday.Maybe to johnnys or J's i'm not sure yet.All I know is I need a change.i'm tired of going to the same old places with people who are a bunch of fuckheads..I know I am being negative tonight but I am in such a bad mood for some reason..I've been thinking about Shannon so much this week.And i've still been trying to deal with travis's silly ass.I don't really care that he fucked someone else that bothers me not.What bothers me is he disrespected his brother.I mean come on WHY????? He angers me.i can't even stand to be around him most of the time now.Oh well I met someone who can atleast make me smile, and i guess that is a step in the right direction.You know what I realized I missed?i missed romance and kissing and cuddling..What is the sense to go without that stuff for so long?You only live once..So hello enjoy your life.I am going to from now on.i'm going to have fun, meet new people go new places.I sooooo want to enjoy my life.because ya never know when it can be taken from ya.

So yeah about this weekend, i hope I run into You know who.Becaus ehe is a sexxxy Beast.And I'm gonna tell him that lol..He most likley already knows it though.he probably has women all over him.And that kind of sucks for me.

Oh and another thing D** is an asshole.he is 40 years old and still doesn't have his shit together.Get a life?I think I'm gonna tell him that because e works Friday.DUMBASS..that is what he is...

ME>D**

So in closing leave me some effing comments.

PS..If you are going to whore around, atleast make it look a little less obvious .or atleast find someone HOT to whore around with.Again I say DUMBASSES..

goodnight to the few people I care about.And to all you other bastards that I thought were my friends, Fuck You!

So I haven't updated this thing in a lonnnnng time.things are going pretty good.I met a guy that I really really Like.I realy want to be happy,and i smile alot when i am around him..I like going out, and being around my friends.I feel no stress when I am out.I still think about Shannon alot, and miss her every single day.I need to move on, but that is so damn hard to do.My mom talked to the Medical Examiner the other day, and he said we could look at the pics of her.He said it is the worst he has ever seen.but i think it is something we need to do to get past the denial.

anyway my ear is killing me so thats all for now.

Im going to keep smiling <3<3<3<3

You know i was just going through my Yahoo archives and I found something that Shannon said to me a few days before she died and it made me smile:

leslie_eckley2000 (8:59:23 AM): :-)
xshanx^^^ (9:00:31 AM): i wuv u leslie.... ur my bestest friend

heres another convo with her:

xshanx^^^ (5:06:49 PM): no one loves me
leslie_eckley2000 (5:07:12 PM): I dooooo <3
xshanx^^^ (5:07:22 PM): i love u too
leslie_eckley2000 (5:07:33 PM):
xshan^^^ (5:07:34 PM): <3
xshanx^^^ (5:10:09 PM): just sometimes i feel alone like no one wants to do with me
leslie_eckley2000 (5:10:19 PM): I feel like that alot too
xshanx^^^ (5:10:47 PM): but u have me right above u and i am gonna hate to see u move

So, it has been a while since I updated this thing.I am going to be completely honest and vent right now.I am so depressed, it feels like everything has fallen apart since the fire.I am still in denial.I just feel like my world is so messed up.I want things back the way they were when my life was normal.And I miss her, I miss her so much.I think about her everyday.Things are not getting any easier for me.Sometimes I feel like things are going to be okay..and then I remember that she is gone.I realize that I need some sort of greif counseling now.Heck it has been 2 months.And this new place, I just hate it here.I want to go back home =/ =/ I wish I had someone to talk to that would understand, but it seems like nobody does.

Other than all that things are okay.The kids are doing great condsidering everything.Logan went to the circus with uncle Johnny and aunt Dawn yesterday.he just loved it.I still look at my boys and can't believe that me and Travis made them.they are truley gods greatest gift.They mean so much to me.And without them Id have never gotten past the past 2 months.Id probably be in a mental hospital somewhere.ya know most people don't have to endure as much pain in their lifetime as I have had to in the past 5 years.It has been 5 years of hell...I had to go through wondering if my baby was going to live or die for 2 months, back and forth to the hospital all the time.Then I had to deal with my pappy and cousin dying.then the kidney problems My son had when i was pregnant with him.And dealing with the post tramatic stress of almost dying during childbirth..That was really hard.I had panic attacks for a long time after that..Then when things were going better, and my family was getting close again the fire tragedy happened.And I keep asking myself why me?I must have done something wrong to deserve all this.I want to know what that is so I can fix it.

My heart will forever be broken.I dont think I will ever truley feel again.Im numb to everything now.I dont want to love.i dont want to be close to anyone for fear of losing then.And that is a hard thing to swallow..The only people that will ever have my heart are my children....They are what matter to me.And I need to figure out what is going to make me happy, because I miss being happy.I miss smiling..Im no longer the person I was..

More than anything in the world I want to be HAPPY </3</3</3</3

Bold the ones that apply.

I've Never Smoked Pot
I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex
I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
I've Never Crashed A Friend's Car
I've Never Been ToJapan
I've Never Been In A Taxi
I've never been in love
I've Never Had Sex In Public
I've Never Been Dumped
I've Never Done Cocaine
I've Never Shoplifted
I've Never Been Fired
I've Never Had Group Intercourse
I've Never Snuck Out Of My Parent's House

I've Never Been Tied Up
I've Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone
I've Never Been Arrested
I've Never Made Out With A Stranger
I've Never Stolen Something From My Job
I've Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square
I've Never Gone On A Blind Date
I've Never Lied To A Friend
I've Never Had A Crush On A Teacher
I've Never Celebrated Mardi Gras In New Orleans
I've Never Been To Europe
I've Never Skipped School
I've Never Slept With A Co-Worker
I've Never Cut Myself On Purpose
I've Never Had Sex At The Office
I've Never Been Married
I've Never Been Divorced
I've Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week
I've Never Posed Nude
I've Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them
I've Never Killed Anyone
I've Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner
I've Never Thrown Up In A Bar

I've Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire
I've Never Eaten Sushi
I've Never Been Snowboarding
I've Never Had Sex At A Friend's House While They Were Throwing A Party
I've Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room
I've Never Flashed Anyone
I've Never Met Anyone From Online